When faced with a confrontational conversation do
you Freeze, go blank and feel immobilized to say anything back? Or do you
Withdraw into your own thoughts and feel clouded by how to respond back. Or do
you get Fired up inside and attack that other person back with fiery or
defensive words.
All three of these scenarios represent your
Flight, Fight or Freeze reaction when you are faced with stress or a
potentially threatening situation. In the first reaction a person freezes and
goes blank, unable to find words, they are literally frozen in fear. In the
second situation the person ‘flights’ or withdraws out of the present moment to
protect themselves or deal with the shock or fear. And in the third scenario
the person gets angry and goes into ‘fight’ mode ready to stand up and defend
and fight back.
All three scenarios of flight, fight or freeze
represent an ‘Amygdala Alert’ and signs that your nervous system has been
activated and has gone into its ‘role’
of protecting you. The amygdala alert represents the part of our brain
activated when we go into fear and causes the nervous system to go into its
survival mode.
Now this survival mode is great if you are being
chased by a bear or in my case a spider (actually I can’t remember the last
time I was chased by a spider, but you know what I mean) but, this survival
mode and fear response does not help us remain centered, balanced and confident
in heated conversations.
And confidence here, I am defining as the opposite
place of fear, it is when you are empowered and have the ability to activate
your higher brain functioning which is responsible for executive functioning
and will therefore be enabled to be more responsive and less reactive.
Here is a real simple 3 step model I teach my clients
to help them stay in an empowered state and ensure they can clearly
communicate themselves and not let intense conversations take them out of their
power.
So the three steps are:
 |
| 3 Steps to Confident Communication by Cheryne Blom |
In order to stay CALM, you need to activate the
opposite mode to your Fight/flight/freeze mode. This is called your relaxation
response and when activated and conditioned to use, your relaxation response
ensures you are using higher brain functioning through your pre-frontal cortex
and negates the nasty amygdala response.
This is like hitting the brakes on your car. It
allows you to STOP & THINK and create a pause between the trigger and your
reaction. The more you can create a pause, the more you will be able to
construct a response which is more in alignment with staying calm and rational.
The key to staying calm is to connect to your
breath and become the observer of your feelings and reactions. STOP and begin
to take a few deep breaths and ask yourself the following questions:
1.
What am I feeling?
2.
Why is it triggering? (What is it
bringing up in me?)
As you are breathing, push your breath done your
body, to eliminate the negative emotion. Imagine your breath as a coffee
plunger, plunging out the negative and feel your breath move all the way down
your body and out your feet.
Instantly these questions and breathing exercise allow
you to attend to your thoughts, attend to your body and attend to your feelings
helping you become more compassionate as opposed to angry. You begin to see the
situation more clearly, and instead of reacting from your perceived hurt and
taking things personally, you can now observe the situation with a calm sense
of logic.
Once you are calm, centered, grounded and seeing the
situation through calm compassionate eyes, you can then see clearly what is
going on.
You may begin to see that the person perceived to
be attacking you is actually projecting their fear onto you or you may see that
person is hurt and lashing out (Most of the time all negative behavior stems
from fear). You will also be able to understand that your fear has been
triggered and you can take responsibility for your fear response by self-soothing
and attending to your feelings.
Having CLARITY gives you power because once you
know clearly what is going on and once you
are able to keep yourself calm, you can respond to ‘threatening’ situations in
a calm and resourceful manner.
You may respond with grace, understanding or
compassion. Or you may respond
This resourcefulness gives you a sense of
resilience, strength and trust which all lead you to feel empowered and CONFIDENT.
Confidence is the ability to be true to yourself- your true self not your fear.
It is the ability to connect with your higher virtues of who you are and the
more you connect and respond from those virtues the more confident you will
become.
So these 3 steps are more like 3 rules to help you
avoid those ‘child-like’ reactions which leave you powerless, full of shame,
embarrassed, or angry with yourself. It ensures you DO NOT allow your emotions
to get the better of you and self-manage yourself even when triggered. This self-management
will lead to self-empowerment and ensure you remain CALM, CLEAR and CONFIDENT.
Give it a try…it may be challenging at first because
you are wired to react from your conditioning, but each time you challenge your
habitual behavior you grow more and more into the self-actualized intelligent
adult you truly are!
To your truth and freedom with lots of love,
Cheryne
Cheryne
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Monthly Meditation Class held the first and third Wednesday of every month. Upcoming dates 19 August 2015; 8pm-9:30pm. Held at The Tranquility Centre 357 North Road South Caulfield To Book email Cheryne Topic: Understanding the Ego Self
NEW Learn how to develop more mindfulness in every moment
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