I want to change but I don't know how
I know what I need to do but keep defaulting back to
my usual ways
It feels so fake and out of character to do anything
differently
These are
comments I hear continuously from clients who feel stuck and unable to move
themselves forwards. Often they explain how stubborn their minds are and do not
allow them to change.
The
reality is that your brain is stubborn because it has a myriad of very clever strategies
designed to keep you doing what you do to ensure self-preservation. This means
that you are wired and conditioned through repetitive thoughts and actions to
be who you are. The brain is only doing what it is programmed to do with its main
motivation to keep you safe and keep you in your comfort zone because, well…that
is the ego mind’s role... To keep you safe and avoid pain.
Some
of these 'safety strategies' serve
you and really do keep you safe but others are designed to help you avoid any
perceived pain and are actually limiting you. And although they may help you
feel safe, these strategies are keeping you small and preventing you from
reaching your full potential.
These
sort of strategies limit your potential they do not enhance your potential. And
these strategies are known as avoidance strategies because they help you avoid the
perception of pain and seek pleasure by staying safe.
I like
to think of these avoidance strategies as the “glitches” in our system. Think
of a computer program. A computer program is made up of a delicate series of
lines of code to tell the program what to do. If there is a glitch in any
single line of code the whole system collapses. And if you were to upgrade that
computer program to perform better or do new tricks, you would need to change
the coding to ensure its ‘wired’ to do what you need it to do.
The
brain works the exact same way! (See past post, How to think like Google)
So
these are the main 3 Avoidance
Strategies I observe which aim to keep you safe and small and limiting your
true growth and self-actualization:
Overwhelm
Overwhelm
is a strategy, I have studied deeply over the last decade because it is my default
ASS (Avoidance Stupid Strategy) In fact, I’d say I had a BIG ASS (sorry, I could not help myself with that
one) J
Overwhelm
has been a great strategy to keep me small and out of my power, because I had the
habit of piling things onto my plate to make me feel like I was busy and
achieving. I could not say no to anyone, because I did not want to let anyone
down so I would keep on doing and doing and doing in order to feel proud of
myself.
But
then suddenly there would be a straw which would break the camel’s back and
everything would come crashing down as my mind went into overload and
overwhelm!
Suddenly
everything would feel too much and everything would fall into a heap and I
would feel like an emotional mess. This would happen in perfect timing for me
to throw in the towel, say it’s all too much, withdraw into self-pity and give
up!
This was
such a clever strategy until I realized how subconsciously it was working and
how it was purposefully designed to make me appear that I was taking
responsibility and achieving yet would allow me to give it all up. So in essence
what this strategy allowed me to do was avoid taking full responsibility for
myself and my life like an adult.
Once I
had this awareness, I could dis-empower the strategy and rewrite the necessary
code to ultimately help me take responsibility and success. This meant noticing
when I was crossing personal boundaries and learning to say NO instead of people
pleasing and self sacrificing. This in turn allowed me to emotionally and
energetically manage myself which magically dissolved the habit of overwhelm.
Procrastination
Procrastination
works the same way. Although there are times when we need to pace ourselves and
let things develop organically, there are times when we intentionally
procrastinate to avoid the pain of doing what we need to do.
By
procrastinating we get to avoid the potentiality of failure, the possibility of
judgement, taking responsibility or following through.
I
remember, years ago a great teacher of mine described procrastination as the
fear of being controlled or avoiding being told what to do. This happens when
freedom is high on your value list. This need for freedom causes you to avoid
doing what others ask you to do and therefore procrastinate.
I think my kids have mastered this strategy!
I think my kids have mastered this strategy!
Fear
Now of
course we need a certain amount of fear, yet there is caution and there is FEAR
(False Evidence Appearing Real). And fear as an illusion is the mother of all
avoidance strategies. As we focus on the perception of fear it paralyses all
action and ensures we stop trying and curl into the shell of our comfort zone.
Think
about how the fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of
judgement, fear of abandonment, or fear of speaking up for yourself is keeping you
small and safe.
Once
you begin to notice how any of these strategies are causing you to avoid the
perceived pain, shift your thinking to realizing that the more you play safe,
the longer you stay small and the more you miss out on being and having in your
full potential.
Take
small, bite sized steps consistently every day to challenge yourself out of
your comfort zone. Rewrite your inner self talk so that you can change your conditioned
coding and upgrade yourself to a program which is going to bring you authentic
happiness and joy in your life. And as you recondition your thinking in this
positive direction, you will notice the stress and stubbornness transform into
fluidity and flexibility.
Enjoy!
Cheryne
To your truth and freedom with lots of love,
Cheryne
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