What Does Your Relationship Need to THRIVE?

In Australia, every third marriage ends in divorce, about 29% of Australians never marry and about one-third of children today are born outside the traditional marriage (Ref: http://mydivorce.com.au/divorceadvice/divorce-statistics-australia.htm)  Globally those statistics are even higher… so what’s going on?

It is clear out there that the majority (not all) but a majority of relationships are falling apart or hanging on by a thread. There are still fantastic relationships thriving, however, there are more and more people finding themselves single and more people in unhappy relationships than ever before…We clearly need a new paradigm or model to work from now; a framework that now supports the growth both men and women have had individually and a model which will support a new shift in consciousness, mindset and values.

Let’s explore where we have come from and what relationships may have been based on…

©      For many people Attraction has always been a big thing…we respond to what we see “visually” and place our judgments often by our visual processing alone. Yep, you only have to listen to a few of the “gas bagging” sessions to hear,” I saw him/her and thought, wow, how hot.”

By being visually attracted led us to be “hormonally” attracted or drawn to a person based on a sexual feeling we may feel and then think we need to respond to. As a result we get sexual far too quickly, as we respond to those desires, and think that is the way we can connect and get closer. The problem with this approach is that the relationship begins to be based on sex and we lose a possible deeper connection. Also when we become sexual too quickly we (especially the female species and the Oxytocin release) become emotionally attached, and this emotional attachment leads to a myriad of emotions and fears to follow: jealousy, possessiveness, the desire to be together all the time…sex addiction.

©      We also seek someone to love us, someone to “complete” us, or someone to make us feel worthy. There is some crazy conditioning that has taken place in our society that makes one who is not in a relationship feel incomplete or that “something may be wrong with them.” As a result we often compromise our values and sense of self to be with someone, because they love us or make us feel enough.  We look for a person to nurture us, protect us, mother us, father us or provide for us.

The problem with this approach is that it stems from a belief that we need to be protected, looked after and may not feel safe on our own. So rather then look to complete those elements within ourselves we look for someone externally to fulfill us instead…and so we remain incomplete.

©      When we get into a relationship we create “expectations” and demands based on our needs and values. We expect a person to be like us, follow us or go with our way, rather than accept them as an individual. We come from a place of need rather than a shared experience.

Sometimes we feel we can “change” a person, or think that when we are together they will adapt. Again the problem with this approach is that if comes from fear not from True unconditional love.

©      Because we may feel a fear of rejection or abandonment we do not Communicate truthfully and openly. We begin to judge a person by the way we feel they “always respond” and communicate to please another, rather than speak our minds or straight from the heart. We fear feeling vulnerable and exposed. We also begin to judge each other rather than seek to understand them individually. The classic…”you always do this….”

©      At times we block each other’s growth because we fall into neediness or fear and a desire to always be together.  We therefore begin to block our natural flow of freedom which may stifle many and hold a person back from achieving the personal goals and actions they desire to pursue.

What may happen over time is that a person may become restless or bored because their higher purpose is not been actioned enough.

©      We may stop doing what is important to us individually because we feel obliged to the relationship. For example, stopping exercise, eating well, meditating in the morning or seeing friends, because of the desire and obligation to be together. We focus on what is good for the relationship and put our needs secondary and so we tend to lose ourselves along the way.

So where to from here…what’s our new way…what’s a new paradigm of love… if you don’t mind, I would love to share my dream and my vision with you…I believe that as we grow individually with our self development, spiritual development and move into a state of SELF LOVE, we require an entirely new framework to support us…a complete paradigm shift…

Firstly, the dynamic between men and women is changing…there no longer is a sense to compete, judge or fear each other. We see each other as equal individuals and embrace our differences.  We begin to embrace a higher purpose or reason why we are together. Instead of giving in to hormones or desire we allow the relationship to build organically without having sex as a foundation. Here sex becomes sacred, what it was meant to be, and we assist each other to elevate and grow higher and higher each time. Sex ceases to become a release or a goal but allows us to connect deeper.

We drop all expectations and accept each other. We express our fear and understand it comes from our Ego and past pain and so instead of allowing the relationship to be dominated by Ego, it is acknowledged, expressed and transformed…and so we help each other grow and accept all the fragments of ourselves. We focus on how that person needs to be loved, and look at ways we can fulfill this, rather than focus on what we are getting. We communicate our needs openly and honestly which requires the act of authentic expression as well as the ART of active, detached listening. Rather than “assume,” we question!

We communicate our values and look for ways those values can be fulfilled individually as well as together.  We come from SELF LOVE which means when we are feeling fearful or incomplete we don’t blame another person but go within and take responsibility for how we are feeling. We look deeply at what we need and prioritize the time to honour that.

We keep our lives simple and realistic rather then, living out of our means or trying to keep up with the Jones’ and most importantly we keep our space sacred – the space together does not become a dumping ground or a place where we stop being our best potential but it is a place which enhances our being and brings out the best in us.

Am I an idealist?

I do believe this is possible and I am actually seeing it in my clients who are committing to this space and I am also seeing it in couples who are thriving. With our individual evolvement this will become the only space that serves us as it will be based on our 2 most important, “new world” values…Truth and Freedom.

Understanding our differences and understanding this mindset shift is a huge part of this change. At times we think one person is going to be everything we need (tick all the boxes) - but is this fair or even possible?

Women, for example, can embrace eachother, to shop with or have deep, spiritual conversations and we let go of expecting our men to give us that. And men, rather than holding onto the thought of a woman mothering or taking care of him can become more self sufficient and understanding. We learn to channel energy into creative outlets and so drop that urgent, addictive desire for a “release”.

And so we bring back the balance between the sexes and begin to support each other and honour each other. Love becomes a state of being rather then something we get and we begin to thrive.

Whoo hooo…Let’s go!

Towards your truth and freedom,

Cheryne Blom

For more about Cheryne please also see: http://www.cheryneblom.com/ 

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