Lessons from My Zen Master (who is also my 2 year old son)

I have this wonderful little man in my life who, although can challenge me to tears some days, is also teaching me the most amazing life lessons. His name is Jai and he happens to be my 2 year old son.

Going back to have my third child in my forties has been quite a journey. When I had my older kids in my twenties and thirties, I was so busy finding me and busy in life...navigating myself in a new marriage, running a stressful business, finding my voice… 

And today, although there are moments when my body says, hey lady you are in your mid-forties, I am able to see things through a greater sense of wisdom and clarity and feel like this time round I am more present, engaged and aware that I am being shown such simple yet profound lessons from these beautiful gems in my life.

So here are my favorite five lessons from my little Buddha:

There is only this moment
Jai has no construct of time, there is only now! No tomorrow, no yesterday, no next week, no in a couple hours… only now. When he is playing with something he is fully immersed in it (well, for a few precious seconds) and finds the joy in whatever he does. He doesn’t multitask or try and fit in as much as he can in one day, he is not focused on how productive he is being or if he is winning or losing…all he has is this very moment.

I cannot rush him as that is when the tantrums erupt, I am learning to live on toddler time, and give us more time to get places and do less each day. I love the idea of toddler time, there is total freedom and joy and total mindfulness.

Life is about getting messy 

Oh yeah! By the end of Jai’s day he has stepped in some serious mud, picked up all sorts of dirt from the garden, whatever he has consumed is all-over himself, and he is sticky, sweaty and smelly. Yet it does not bother him and he has taught me to roll up my sleeves and get messy… roll in the mud , sink your hands in and embrace life.

At what stage did we forget to play and get messy?

It’s all about me.
At some stage we develop that awful disease to please and put others first over ourselves. But not the toddler…My needs come first, there is no disease to please or being a martyr.

Their needs come first and what they need matters. They do not second guess themselves or question their needs. They need and then ask…it’s very simple!

At some stage we develop self-doubt and question our self-worth…imagine we stayed in the tenacity and confidence of the toddler?

My needs are simple
I often think I need to be doing more with him…take him to a play centre, the zoo, park etc …but his needs are simple and do not need to be complicated. His happiness is simple eat, s**t, play, sleep, enjoy the sunshine, have fun, be curious, find an adventure and explore!

This is such a beautiful lesson because as adults we tend to complicate our lives and we forget the basic elements which truly light us up and bring us joy. Happiness is simple!

All we need is love

Yes, there needs to be boundaries and guidelines and of course there needs to be safety rules, yet what makes him thrive is to bath him in love and kisses and lots of cuddles.

He will learn his way and discover his own lessons…all I need to do is love him unconditionally and let him know that he has a safe place to land no matter what! Unconditional love teaches us that we are valued and have unique gifts to offer the world.

This is our greatest human need and everything else is insignificant. I do not need to over parent or parent from fear, love is simple!

The toddler is being their essence, their true authentic self which encompasses all their uniqueness, joy, wisdom and presence. Imagine if we were all able to stay in this space of simplicity and truth?

I’d love to hear about the lessons you learn from the kids in your life? Please feel free to share here.

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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10 Great Ways to Show Your Love this Valentine’s Day

With all the commercialism around us, it is hard not be swept up in the material hype over Valentine’s Day. And although, in reality, it is a day of bliss for retailers,  it is hard not to have any expectations or get caught up in the hype around giving and receiving on the day.

But, here’s the thing…each one of us has a unique way in which we need to be loved. This is called our love strategy or our internal love tank of knowing whether we are loved or not. If our love tank is full, we feel safe and open and thrive in a relationship. When our love tank is empty we feel depleted, unfulfilled and even resentful.

Based on our childhood experiences we develop this unique love strategy which means we have our own internal narrative or belief system around what it means to love and be loved.

And because all our actions and behaviors are based on our own internal perspectives, we tend to show a person love in the way that we need to be loved, which is a great intention, however, is not necessarily the way in which they need to be loved. And so all our attempts to love a person fall on empty hearts because we are not speaking their language. And that can be disempowering and frustrating, especially when you really do care so much for a person and want to fulfill them.

The easiest way to understand a person’s love strategy or love language is to understand how they process information as well as an understanding of how they were shown love as a child. The way we process information is through our senses, mainly seeing, hearing and feeling.

Visual lovers need to see it. They notice a look you give them, they need the physical gifts and they need some form of visual representation of love, like flowers for example.

Auditory lovers need to hear it. They will be sensitive to your tone, will love you to tell them words of affirmation or recognition. They love to hear it through music or poetry.

Kinaesthetic lovers need to feel it. These tactile lovers want connection, touch intimacy, acts of kindness or service and go by the way you feel as well as the way they feel. They may have felt your presence and got a gut feel before they saw you.

Now you may be saying, I think my lover is all of the above, and yes you are right, we do need all of them, yet there will be one that will make more of an impact. Best practice, if you are unsure, is to try and fulfill them all and notice which one you get the best reaction to.

Another point to add into the mix, is what I have noticed for almost 10 years in my coaching business. On a deep innate level, men want to be recognized and appreciated and women want to be seen or heard (really understood and accepted). The ability to truly appreciate your man or to truly see your woman for all that she is will completely light them up inside.

So, bringing it all together, here are 10 great ways you can show those you love how you feel in a deep and meaningful way which will speak to the core of who they are:

1. For Visual lovers: Create a photobook with all the best times you have had together and how seeing them happy makes you happy. This is like a collection of all the moments I love you book.
2. Or create a photo book showing them all the beauty you see in them and why they are unique and special to you.
3. Create a gift basket of all of their favorite things which they may not usually spend on themselves. Hint: Those beautiful turquoise blue boxes from "T&CO" were made for visual lovers J
4. Make a video message for your partner telling them how much you love them or all the reasons you love them and why, in a sea of billions of fish, you chose them.
5. For your lovers who need to hear it make them a recording in a loving tone telling them how much you love them and why(tip: make this about them not really what you get from them)
6. Play them a beautiful song or poem which symbolizes your love. Put together a CD or playlist of all their favorite songs
7. For your lovers who need to feel you, give them a day voucher of complete quality time- whatever they want to do together with the promise you will be fully engaged and present
8. Make them a romantic, relaxing bath
9. Offer them a sensual or relaxing massage which means you will check in with them, where all their “hot spots” are or places they most enjoy being massaged (touched).
10. Make a coupon or voucher book which offers them free vouchers of all special acts of kindness or service they may need.
    

By shifting your focus away from expressing your love language to intentionally focusing on how you can fulfill your partner’s unique way, will mean a greater connection and union based on unconditional love and acceptance.

The most important ingredient in all of this is to tap into all the self-love you have within yourself so that you are full and complete and don’t need your partner to complete you or fulfill you, but want to share in a blissful heart-centered union with your soul mate with no expectations or wanting anything in return.

Oh and feel free to forward this blog to your partner as a helpful hint J

Have a loving day!

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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10 Self Coaching Questions to Help You Move Forwards

One of the best gifts you get from investing in a life coaching journey is the ability to self-coach yourself out of difficult situations to shift your mindset and move forwards with calmness and clarity.

Self-coaching questions are questions you ask yourself to bring fear and negative thinking to a halt, allow yourself to pause and ask yourself a question that activates new ways of thinking and new perspectives. 

These new thoughts shift your perception and help you see a situation from a multitude of sides and then chose which perspective or decision feels most empowering for you.

Without having these powerful circuit breakers, fear gets the better of us and we end up reacting to a situation emotionally which leaves us filled with shame, guilt, regret and dis-empowerment.

Having powerful questions to ask yourself in a moment of doubt, fear or dis-empowerment will help you break away from sabotaging behaviors and it is like having the voice of your life coach in your ear guiding you towards a good decision.

And each time you are able to make empowering moment to moment decisions for yourself, you will lift your confidence and self-respect.

So here are my top 10 SELF COACHING QUESTIONS I teach my clients to help them

move forwards from difficult situations.

1. What would I do if I felt courage, right now? This question is designed to shake you out of fear, but instead of telling yourself to stop being fearful, your focus is shifted to courage and to help you identify how your decisions can be shaped by having courage
2. What decision would I make if I showed myself self-respect? Instead of sabotaging yourself and giving in to emotion and addictive behavior, this question directs your focus towards self respect and helps you make decisions which increase self-respect which in turn increase self-worth.
3. What if I had total trust right now? IIf emotion was laid out along a spectrum, Fear and trust would be at the two opposite sides. Trusting yourself and trusting in a higher power helps you embrace uncertainty, helps you be more present and resilient and trust holds your mental wellness like the trunk of a tree, holding you strong and centered.
4. What is standing in the way of my success?I love this question. This question helps you gain awareness around what sabotaging or limiting behaviors, such us bad habits and negative thinking, are standing in your way.
5. What/who is draining my energy? When you are able to catch the energy vampires and protect your energy field, you are able to stop others from draining you.
   
   Although we don’t realize this, it is so important, because the lack of awareness means we take on other people’s STUFF and lose our center and focus.
6. How can I take my power back? Do you need to step back or speak up? Standing your ground and speaking up for yourself will give you your power back. Sometimes the same can be achieved in walking away as well.
7. What is my truth and how can I speak my truth right now? Sometimes we get lost in who we need to be and how we can please others and in doing so we lose ourselves and what is our true authentic state. This question is designed to help align you back to you and what matters most to you. It allows you to put yourself first and empower yourself.
8. How can I take charge of this situation? This question helps get you out of victim mentality where we withdraw in self-pity instead of taking responsibility. It stops you from hiding in the comfort of avoidance and procrastination and allows you to take charge and take the necessary action steps.
9. What do I need to let go of to move forwards right now? Are you holding onto the past, holding onto negative belief systems or holding on to situations that are not bringing you joy?
   
   Living in the past or future will rob you from the joy of this present moment. So this question allows you to gain awareness around what you are holding onto and help yourself to let go and move forwards.
10. Am I seeing this situation clearly; am I seeing things for the way they are? This question allows you to have compassion and empathy without just instantly taking things personally. The moment you take things personally you judge yourself and others and you define the situation by that judgment.
    
    Life is never one dimensional, there are always many different perspectives and scenarios happening at one time, so by asking yourself this question you can stop and observe all the dimensions of a situation and notice what is really going on.
    For example if a person is criticizing you or putting you down, by stopping and noticing if you are seeing the situation clearly means you will now observe what else is going on for that person and notice that perhaps they are projecting their own fear or limitations onto you.

In order to experience the benefits of these questions, the key is to REMEMBER TO REMEMBER…remember to STOP and break the negative thinking and then replace that negative thought with a powerful self-coaching question.

Please let me know how these start to work for you!

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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A simple technique to protect yourself from someone else's projection!

Don’t you hate it when someone projects their stuff onto you?

Projection is a subconscious coping mechanism to help a person deflect a challenging situation away from themselves and place the attention onto another person. In order to protect themselves from feeling unease a person displaces their emotion elsewhere. It can also be referred to as blame shifting whereby a person blames another person rather than owning the feelings or the reality within themselves leaving them to play the role as the victim.

The ‘proud projector’ disowns parts of themselves by highlighting or seeing them in others. This is the key to understanding projection because what a person is purging onto another is actually the parts of themselves they dislike or refuse to take responsibility for.

Imagine the scenario of standing in a supermarket line gazing out in front of you. You catch the glimpse of the person in front of you who is frustrated about waiting in a line. As your eyes meet they say, why are you giving me such a bad look- what did I ever do to you? This type of perception can only happen because they are in a negative state and possibly have a lower self-image and because this aggression is within them, they see it in you.

Projection can be hurtful, negative and completely dis-empowering when we do not have clear awareness around what is going on and we passively take on energy from another person. The minute we buy into what the other person is saying or projecting onto us, then we take on that feeling and it affects us emotionally. We can feel ourselves shrink the moment we take on the negative and we can hear our inner thoughts move from clarity towards self-doubt or self-criticism.

This is normally what projection sounds like:

You always do this…

You are so irritating when you do that…

You are such a blah blah blah….

As you can see the common word is YOU!

The moment your subconscious mind hears the word YOU, you will have a natural mechanism to defend yourself, so instinctively you will react back.  Your reaction would then throw fuel to an already sensitive fire, and that person would then attack back- creating conflict and stress.

So this is a technique which I have taught my children, which will help you redefine or re-frame a projected comment from another and have more clarity around what is going on for them. This will allow you to self-manage your own reaction instead of blindly reacting. This will instantly shift the dynamics of the conversation and will therefore stop you from taking on any of that gooey energy.

Very simply, this is how it works… As you hear a person say, you always, or you never, or you are such a …  in your own thoughts, simply replace the word YOU with the word I. Now in your thoughts you will hear,  I always do this... I am so irritating when… I am such a ….

Now that your mind is hearing I am instead of you are , you will  alleviate your inner reaction.

How simple yet effective is that? 

Even though they may not be owning up to their own self limitation by using the word I, it gives you insight into how that person sees themselves and it gives you insight into the tapestry of their thoughts and belief system.

This insight and awareness is powerful because you shift away from taking it personally to seeing the situation through compassionate eyes, because you can now see into their own belief system.

You can even take this further by reflecting that awareness back onto that person. For example, asking them, “how come you see yourself that way?” A ‘proud projector’ will have no idea what you are talking about, however it will stop you from taking on negative emotion and shrinking to staying in your power and remaining detached.

The more you remain detached the less reactive you become and the more confident and empowered you can stay.

Give it a try and let me know how you go!

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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15 Ways to RESPECT Yourself Today!

We are pro’s at beating ourselves up, placing high or unrealistic expectations on ourselves or pushing ourselves beyond what we can cope with. And although it is great to challenge ourselves, continuous behaviors which leave us feeling disrespected wear down our self-worth, our self-confidence and leave us dis-empowered

Alternatively, every time you show yourself self-respect you increase your self-worth, you feel proud of yourself and therefore increase your confidence and your self-empowerment.

Once you program your ‘inner critic’ to be nurturing, loving and respectful you will be able to be kinder towards yourself and increase your internal Self Love Tank. This in turn will give you a sense of self integrity which builds your enthusiasm and empowerment and helps you feel aligned.

So here are 15 ways you can show yourself respect today:

1.    Speak your truth with graceful assertion

Keeping quiet for the sake of keeping the peace or reacting with an emotional explosion both drain your energy and leave you feeling shameful, embarrassed or dis-empowered. 

Learning to calmly and confidently communicate yourself in a way which is aligned with your values, is a way of demonstrating self-respect and self-worth. (Please also see 3 Steps to confident communication)

2.    Break on addiction

Instead of reaching for the cookies, or the bottle of wine or the (you fill the blank) turn to a resourceful action which demonstrates respecting yourself. 

For example, before you head straight for your "self-soother" stop and pause, take a few deep breaths, ask yourself what you are feeling and feel that feeling in your body. Breathe through that feeling while you focus on your breath gently soothing and clearing your emotion. Feel the stillness and the calmness and then come back to your present moment and see if you need your "habit" then.

3.    Make yourself a beautiful meal

           Cook up something healthy, colorful and yummy, put it on a nice plate,                      presented and go sit in the sunshine or your favorite spot. Eat mindfully and                with gratitude and appreciation

4.    Forgive self

Yep, a big one. Let go of beating yourself up and realize that you are doing the best you can with the resources you have.  Focus on the lessons you can teach yourself and allow yourself to grow from those. Let go and let yourself free.

5.    Give to someone in need or less fortunate

Every time we give we open ourselves up to receive. And as we receive gratitude back, it fills our inner tank and gives us respect, worth and empowerment.

6.    Allow yourself to receive something special

Receiving is often the hardest part, yet it is what we give ourselves when we respect ourselves and feel worthy of it. Opening yourself up to receive allows you to complete the cycle of reciprocity and allow someone to benefit from the art of giving as well.

7.    Be around positive people and energy which makes you feel good

Are you starting to read that we are breaking all people pleasing behaviors? This will include saying no to arrangements with negative energy which will leave you feeling drained and out of control. Alternatively, being around positive people fuels your soul and gives you energy.

Obviously, sometimes we cannot avoid certain situations, so if you find yourself in a negative situation with draining energy, direct your thoughts and energy towards giving yourself positivity and love. This instantly creates a shield like force around you which allows their negativity to bounce off you.

8.    Move your body

Exercise, exercise and exercise! Moving your body releases feel good hormones and helps you feel great about yourself.

9.    Give yourself an inner hug

Oh, I love this one. This is the ultimate expression of self-compassion and self-respect. Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze as if you were giving your best friend your biggest hug ever! I also love to imagine my scared inner child and visualize giving her a great big hug and telling her that she is safe and loved.

10.  Avoid situations which lead to shame

          This includes talking badly or gossiping about others which actually drain your             energy and leave you dis-empowered.

11.  Clean up an area in your personal space(declutter)

The space around you represents how you feel within. If you have lots of mess and clutter around you, it blocks and drains your energy and represents the clutter in your mind. Having a clean, open decluttered space allows you to feel open and free!

12.  Follow through on inspired thoughts

Every time you have an inspired thought, which is a thought which totally energizes you, listen and follow your intuition and inner guidance which will not only give you self-respect, it will also allow you to manifest magnificence for yourself.

13.   Stay focused on your goals

Complete those tasks you have been promising yourself you will complete and keep a list of everything you have completed so that you can see how much you have actually achieved.

14.  Observe an area of your life out of integrity and commit to someway being more true to yourself

Where in your life are you out of integrity and not being true to yourself? Where in your life are you loosing or giving away your power? As you focus giving the power back to yourself and having more integrity you will fuel up your self-respect!

15.  Do something great or special for yourself

Treat yourself to something special because you deserve it and because it will make you feel great. Buy yourself something special, get yourself pampered your take yourself away somewhere refreshing!

How else will you respect yourself today?

Enjoy!

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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Monthly Meditation Class held the first and third Wednesday of every month. Upcoming date 4 November  8pm-9:30pm.  Held at The Tranquility Centre 357 North Road South Caulfield To Book email Cheryne Topic: The Ideal Self

NEW Learn how to develop more mindfulness in every moment  Download FREE 7 day video series called Be a Mindful You!. Book Cheryne to speak at your next event. 

Let Go of Your Conditions of Worth

One of our greatest needs is the need to belong and be accepted by others. This need to belong and be accepted makes us feel safe in our world. Through a complex matrix of childhood experiences, we learn that if we behave a certain way then we will be accepted by others and fit in. 

This need to be liked and accepted by others overrides the 
need to be ourselves, and over time we develop a set of conditions which prove our worth and make us feel accepted and worthy. 

Instead of focusing on developing our unique talents and standing out with our individuality, these conditions lead us to lose the essence of who we are and become the concept of what people need us to be or the concept of ourselves which people will accept most.

The greatest joy I receive as a coach is when I see this realization in my clients. The moment they realize that they are not being true to themselves or are not aligned with their true selves because they are pleasing everyone around them, is the moment they begin a true journey towards self-empowerment.

It is in this moment that they can begin to let go of who they need to be and move towards their authentic self, who they want to be and who they know they are at the core. Part of this process in clarifying their self-image or self-concept, is to gain awareness around what their conditions of worth are.

Conditions of worth are the terms and the conditions of your self-worth. All the beliefs and the reasons why people accept you and define why you are good enough. The conditions of worth are based on cause and effect and the language is basically, ‘If I …., then …. , or ‘when I am…, then...’

For example:

If I make people happy, then I will be liked

If I am happy, then other people are happy.

If I do a lot for others, then they will appreciate me.

If I am pretty, then people will like me.

When I am positive, then people like to be with me.

If I succeed, then people will respect me.

If I am a good person, then people will like me.

What are your conditions of worth? 

Ask yourself these questions:

How do I know I am accepted by others? 

What makes me feel good enough? 

What makes me feel liked by others?

Once you have answered these questions and realize your set of conditions which you have placed on your worth, you can now ask yourself the following empowering question to release them…

If there was nothing to prove and if I let go of the need to belong and focus on what my unique strengths are, then what awareness do I gain about myself? What is my worth truly made up of?

Now you will begin to realize that your worth is not based on any conditions or

is not based on anything you need to do. You will realize that your self-worth is made up of you being you!

Your true self is self-confident, loving, giving, nurturing, kind, caring, fun, funny, playful, creative, honest, open, authentic, positive, intelligent, capable, strong, intuitive, innovative and most importantly a unique being with your own unique gifts and talents to bring to the world.

So the next time you hear your inner language say to you, If I [fill the blank], then they will like me, stop the thought and remind yourself that the only person placing conditions on you is You and you can let go of needing to be anything to anyone and embrace your true values and essence.


And the real irony is that when you give yourself permission to be your true self, you shine and people (especially the real ones) love you for exactly who you are and do not need you to be anything else.

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

Please like this post on Facebook by clicking on the like button above and help spread the love by sharing this post with your friends.

Monthly Meditation Class held the first and third Wednesday of every month. Upcoming date 21 October 2015; 8pm-9:30pm.  Held at The Tranquility Centre 357 North Road South Caulfield To Book email Cheryne Topic: The Ideal Self

NEW Learn how to develop more mindfulness in every moment  Download FREE 7 day video series called Be a Mindful You!. Book Cheryne to speak at your next event.