Lessons from My Zen Master (who is also my 2 year old son)

I have this wonderful little man in my life who, although can challenge me to tears some days, is also teaching me the most amazing life lessons. His name is Jai and he happens to be my 2 year old son.

Going back to have my third child in my forties has been quite a journey. When I had my older kids in my twenties and thirties, I was so busy finding me and busy in life...navigating myself in a new marriage, running a stressful business, finding my voice… 

And today, although there are moments when my body says, hey lady you are in your mid-forties, I am able to see things through a greater sense of wisdom and clarity and feel like this time round I am more present, engaged and aware that I am being shown such simple yet profound lessons from these beautiful gems in my life.

So here are my favorite five lessons from my little Buddha:

There is only this moment
Jai has no construct of time, there is only now! No tomorrow, no yesterday, no next week, no in a couple hours… only now. When he is playing with something he is fully immersed in it (well, for a few precious seconds) and finds the joy in whatever he does. He doesn’t multitask or try and fit in as much as he can in one day, he is not focused on how productive he is being or if he is winning or losing…all he has is this very moment.

I cannot rush him as that is when the tantrums erupt, I am learning to live on toddler time, and give us more time to get places and do less each day. I love the idea of toddler time, there is total freedom and joy and total mindfulness.

Life is about getting messy 

Oh yeah! By the end of Jai’s day he has stepped in some serious mud, picked up all sorts of dirt from the garden, whatever he has consumed is all-over himself, and he is sticky, sweaty and smelly. Yet it does not bother him and he has taught me to roll up my sleeves and get messy… roll in the mud , sink your hands in and embrace life.

At what stage did we forget to play and get messy?

It’s all about me.
At some stage we develop that awful disease to please and put others first over ourselves. But not the toddler…My needs come first, there is no disease to please or being a martyr.

Their needs come first and what they need matters. They do not second guess themselves or question their needs. They need and then ask…it’s very simple!

At some stage we develop self-doubt and question our self-worth…imagine we stayed in the tenacity and confidence of the toddler?

My needs are simple
I often think I need to be doing more with him…take him to a play centre, the zoo, park etc …but his needs are simple and do not need to be complicated. His happiness is simple eat, s**t, play, sleep, enjoy the sunshine, have fun, be curious, find an adventure and explore!

This is such a beautiful lesson because as adults we tend to complicate our lives and we forget the basic elements which truly light us up and bring us joy. Happiness is simple!

All we need is love

Yes, there needs to be boundaries and guidelines and of course there needs to be safety rules, yet what makes him thrive is to bath him in love and kisses and lots of cuddles.

He will learn his way and discover his own lessons…all I need to do is love him unconditionally and let him know that he has a safe place to land no matter what! Unconditional love teaches us that we are valued and have unique gifts to offer the world.

This is our greatest human need and everything else is insignificant. I do not need to over parent or parent from fear, love is simple!

The toddler is being their essence, their true authentic self which encompasses all their uniqueness, joy, wisdom and presence. Imagine if we were all able to stay in this space of simplicity and truth?

I’d love to hear about the lessons you learn from the kids in your life? Please feel free to share here.

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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How to Write an Annual Personal Plan in 10 Easy Steps

Just like doing a business plan, a personal plan gives you direction, focus and clarity around what you want to gain this year, why you want it and how specifically you are going to get there. With clarity you can put your manifestation magic to work and attract what you truly desire.  

As a life coach, I help people gain clarity and focus to create their ideal vision and once they have their vision created we define strategic and easy steps to bring their vision to life and make it their reality.

It is enough of living according to the standards of others and it is enough of trying to be who others need you to be. THIS YEAR is your year to define and create your happiness and absolutely THRIVE. And when I say THRIVE, I mean leave your survival mode (fight/flight mode) in 2014 and switch on your thriving mode.

So to help you create your plan, here are my top 10 coaching questions to create an authentically happy personal plan.

(This exercise is best done in a quiet place where you can get into a state of contemplation and reflection, I suggest early morning before anyone is up when it is easy to think and the energy is majestic)

REFLECTION on last year…

When you look back on last year, what were your biggest challenges and why?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… Think of the times when you were stopped in your tracks or when you felt tired and drained. Think of the times when you could hear your negative self. For example, was there a time when you were focused on something and then self sabotage kicked in?

How did you overcome those challenges?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… Think of the actions you took, and the thoughts you had to turn your situation around. What support did you have and what solutions did you find?

What lessons (growth) did you learn from those challenges?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… Every difficult situation gives us an opportunity to learn a lesson. When we realize these lessons we experience growth and turn a challenge into a fantastic learning opportunity. Think carefully about what you learnt through any adversity you experienced?

How can you put those lessons to use moving forwards?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… Use practical situations on how you can apply these learnings to real situations

What were your happiest moments of 2014?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… Think about the simple moments when you felt authentically happy. These are the moments when your soul was truly happy and you felt free, calm, peaceful and energized.

FOCUS ON THIS YEAR…

What would you ultimately like to achieve this year?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… Pick one area of your life which would have an impact on all the other areas of your life. For example if you got more healthy and energized, how would that effect your relationships, your career, etc

What would you gain by achieving this goal?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… This answer represents your values and connecting to your values gives you strong emotional leverage to stay focused and propel you forwards.

What obstacles are going to get in your way?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… This is your time to brainstorm what or who will drain you. So think about people that bring you down as well as thoughts and beliefs (fears) which will stop you in your tracks

How will you overcome these obstacles?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… Think of what support you need, what beliefs you need to have, what your inner language should be and what positive steps you can make.

What are at least 3 action steps you can take to achieve what you want?

☼ TIPS FOR ANSWERING THIS QUESTION… These steps become your action plan and you can break down these steps even further to help them be even more achievable. Let these action steps become your daily habits, because your habits and what you do every day repetitively ultimately create what you get.

Once you get this main area of your life started, you can extend this plan to all the other key areas in your life: Finance, Intimate Relationship, Social Relationships, personal growth, physical environment, career, education, health and fitness and Me time.

May this year bring you everything you truly desire because it is your birthright to live an authentically happy life which lights up your soul!

To your truth and freedom,

Cheryne

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Is Your Love Tank on Empty?

Do you know that you have a way you need to be loved? It is called your love strategy and is your own unique way in which you feel loved and fulfilled. Each one of us has our own love strategy and whether or not your love strategy gets filled determines how fulfilled you feel in your relationships and yourself.


A love strategy can be seen as an internal LOVE TANK and if our love tank is full we feel vibrant, fully energized, confident, happy, grateful, beautiful and at peace. If our love tank is empty we feel depressed, empty, lonely, insecure, not good enough, lethargic and often angry.  The ability to fulfill each other’s independent love strategies will ensure you have a successful, loving and fulfilling relationship which thrives instead of dies.

So how do you determine your love strategy and how do you communicate your needs to get your love tank filled up?

The first step is to ask yourself the following questions…

As a child, when was the first time you felt loved? What was that specific time? (Notice the first images which come to mind and who you were with and what you were feeling)

How did you know you were loved? (What was happening and who was it that was ensuring you felt loved)

We could have learnt love from a loving grandparent,  parent, sibling or close friend.

As children this original feeling of love would have formed a neurological mapping within and therefore form the way in which we need to be loved. Our thought processes would have followed an order and therefore an imprint is made in our belief system which tells the mind that when X happens, I feel loved. (Not very romantic…but true). For example we may have learnt that when our parents complement us, told us we were good or rewarded us for doing something great we would have learnt that when we hear those comments or see that reward then we are loved.  It is an emotional equation which is determined and created by our inner child. It is our LOVE LANGUAGE and if a person does not speak our own love language then we will never feel completely loved.

When our love tank is on empty we begin to display neediness, anger, frustration, possessiveness and we tend to build up a lot of unexpressed resentment towards our partner. This resentment comes from a repeated cycle of unmet expectations. However for most of us, these expectations are subconscious and we do not completely know how we need to be loved or that we are not being directly fulfilled. We also have no idea how to communicate our needs to others.

Now, because we process our world through our senses (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) think about how you process love and what is your mapping made up of?

Do you respond to visual cues? These include a look from your partner, gift receiving, seeing a response from your partner, seeing your partner do something special for you)

Do you respond to sounds? These may include words from your partner and compliments, their tonality, music, sounds in nature and comments you may be telling yourself. The best example is hearing them say, I love you.)

Do you respond to feelings? These may include touch, intimacy, spending quality time together, receiving acts of kindness, doing activities together or feeling it in your gut and intuition)

You may be saying, well…I respond to all those things. Of course you do, however there is one which is most dominant and one which you respond to first and once that initial process is met the rest can follow smoothly. For example you may recognize here that you process love through visual cues which means you first respond to seeing a look of love on your partners face. You then, for example, may tell yourself you are loved and then feel a sense of love within. Your love strategy would then look like this…

Visual→ Auditory→ Kinesthetic

Or you may hear compliments and a gentle tonality from your partner and see a loving look on their face, which makes you feel warm and fuzzy and loved within and then you tell yourself you are loved. So then your love strategy may look something like this…

Auditory →Visual →Kinesthetic →Auditory

How great would it be if we knew exactly how each one of us needed to be loved and then be able to fulfill this strategy? That would mean we would speak each other’s love language and be able to ensure they felt loved and complete every day, in the exact process in which they need to be loved. We ensure their inner child was full and felt safe and can thrive in an environment of trust, belief and faith.

The thing is…we actually express our own love strategy…meaning that we love others in the way we need to be loved, not necessarily in the way they need to be loved. It also means that our partner expresses love to us in the way they need to be loved not necessarily in the way we need to be loved. Which is why in time, although we can acknowledge our partners for fulfilling us, there is still a part of us which remains empty and unloved. If this persists over time without any recognition or communication, what builds up is resentment and loneliness which then causes distance between couples and may cause a person to seek love somewhere else.

Let’s look at Bill & Jane for example…  Jane, after 15 years of marriage is feeling frustrated, unloved lonely and needy. She complains of Bill not loving her and not being able to show her love. Bill feels shocked when he hears this because he says to Jane, How can you think I do not love you, look at how much I do for you…I work so hard to give you a lifestyle, I help around the house…I even ensure your car is washed and full every week. Bill feels hurt by the even suggestion that he does not Jane and cannot understand what more he can do. When Jane begins to explore her love strategy she realizes that what is missing is personal one on one time with Bill, seeing him with her spending quality time together and having him listen to her and take an interest in her life. She realizes that if she had all those things she would feel truly happy and fulfilled as a woman. She realized a deep need to be heard and to be understood and truly acknowledged.

This is a common situation between couples. Can you relate?

The key now is to look at how you can communicate your love strategy to your partner.

For a start, print out this article and go through it with your partner. Get clear on how you need to be loved and how your partner can fulfill your needs. The clearer you can be the better, because this is about teaching each other our love language without them having to guess or assume. This means we are taking personal responsibility for our needs and communicating them in a clear mature way in order to ensure we are filled. No more expectations, no more assumptions, no more disappointment…this now means you have a road map to fulfilling each other on a very deep and powerful level.

Help your partner by giving them suggestions and then listen actively to what your partner needs and how you can fulfill them as well. Make a commitment to do something specifically for your partner each day the more simple the better, as long as it is consistent, creative and genuinely given to them with love and care. Please email me if you have any difficulties or require further coaching assistance with this.

Imagine how relationships can thrive if we can both focus on speaking each other’s love language and giving them exactly what they need. Imagine receiving that back…we will be a thriving planet vibrating with love and vitality… bring it on!

Enjoy!

To your truth and freedom,

Cheryne


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What Does Your Relationship Need to THRIVE?

In Australia, every third marriage ends in divorce, about 29% of Australians never marry and about one-third of children today are born outside the traditional marriage (Ref: http://mydivorce.com.au/divorceadvice/divorce-statistics-australia.htm)  Globally those statistics are even higher… so what’s going on?

It is clear out there that the majority (not all) but a majority of relationships are falling apart or hanging on by a thread. There are still fantastic relationships thriving, however, there are more and more people finding themselves single and more people in unhappy relationships than ever before…We clearly need a new paradigm or model to work from now; a framework that now supports the growth both men and women have had individually and a model which will support a new shift in consciousness, mindset and values.

Let’s explore where we have come from and what relationships may have been based on…

©      For many people Attraction has always been a big thing…we respond to what we see “visually” and place our judgments often by our visual processing alone. Yep, you only have to listen to a few of the “gas bagging” sessions to hear,” I saw him/her and thought, wow, how hot.”

By being visually attracted led us to be “hormonally” attracted or drawn to a person based on a sexual feeling we may feel and then think we need to respond to. As a result we get sexual far too quickly, as we respond to those desires, and think that is the way we can connect and get closer. The problem with this approach is that the relationship begins to be based on sex and we lose a possible deeper connection. Also when we become sexual too quickly we (especially the female species and the Oxytocin release) become emotionally attached, and this emotional attachment leads to a myriad of emotions and fears to follow: jealousy, possessiveness, the desire to be together all the time…sex addiction.

©      We also seek someone to love us, someone to “complete” us, or someone to make us feel worthy. There is some crazy conditioning that has taken place in our society that makes one who is not in a relationship feel incomplete or that “something may be wrong with them.” As a result we often compromise our values and sense of self to be with someone, because they love us or make us feel enough.  We look for a person to nurture us, protect us, mother us, father us or provide for us.

The problem with this approach is that it stems from a belief that we need to be protected, looked after and may not feel safe on our own. So rather then look to complete those elements within ourselves we look for someone externally to fulfill us instead…and so we remain incomplete.

©      When we get into a relationship we create “expectations” and demands based on our needs and values. We expect a person to be like us, follow us or go with our way, rather than accept them as an individual. We come from a place of need rather than a shared experience.

Sometimes we feel we can “change” a person, or think that when we are together they will adapt. Again the problem with this approach is that if comes from fear not from True unconditional love.

©      Because we may feel a fear of rejection or abandonment we do not Communicate truthfully and openly. We begin to judge a person by the way we feel they “always respond” and communicate to please another, rather than speak our minds or straight from the heart. We fear feeling vulnerable and exposed. We also begin to judge each other rather than seek to understand them individually. The classic…”you always do this….”

©      At times we block each other’s growth because we fall into neediness or fear and a desire to always be together.  We therefore begin to block our natural flow of freedom which may stifle many and hold a person back from achieving the personal goals and actions they desire to pursue.

What may happen over time is that a person may become restless or bored because their higher purpose is not been actioned enough.

©      We may stop doing what is important to us individually because we feel obliged to the relationship. For example, stopping exercise, eating well, meditating in the morning or seeing friends, because of the desire and obligation to be together. We focus on what is good for the relationship and put our needs secondary and so we tend to lose ourselves along the way.

So where to from here…what’s our new way…what’s a new paradigm of love… if you don’t mind, I would love to share my dream and my vision with you…I believe that as we grow individually with our self development, spiritual development and move into a state of SELF LOVE, we require an entirely new framework to support us…a complete paradigm shift…

Firstly, the dynamic between men and women is changing…there no longer is a sense to compete, judge or fear each other. We see each other as equal individuals and embrace our differences.  We begin to embrace a higher purpose or reason why we are together. Instead of giving in to hormones or desire we allow the relationship to build organically without having sex as a foundation. Here sex becomes sacred, what it was meant to be, and we assist each other to elevate and grow higher and higher each time. Sex ceases to become a release or a goal but allows us to connect deeper.

We drop all expectations and accept each other. We express our fear and understand it comes from our Ego and past pain and so instead of allowing the relationship to be dominated by Ego, it is acknowledged, expressed and transformed…and so we help each other grow and accept all the fragments of ourselves. We focus on how that person needs to be loved, and look at ways we can fulfill this, rather than focus on what we are getting. We communicate our needs openly and honestly which requires the act of authentic expression as well as the ART of active, detached listening. Rather than “assume,” we question!

We communicate our values and look for ways those values can be fulfilled individually as well as together.  We come from SELF LOVE which means when we are feeling fearful or incomplete we don’t blame another person but go within and take responsibility for how we are feeling. We look deeply at what we need and prioritize the time to honour that.

We keep our lives simple and realistic rather then, living out of our means or trying to keep up with the Jones’ and most importantly we keep our space sacred – the space together does not become a dumping ground or a place where we stop being our best potential but it is a place which enhances our being and brings out the best in us.

Am I an idealist?

I do believe this is possible and I am actually seeing it in my clients who are committing to this space and I am also seeing it in couples who are thriving. With our individual evolvement this will become the only space that serves us as it will be based on our 2 most important, “new world” values…Truth and Freedom.

Understanding our differences and understanding this mindset shift is a huge part of this change. At times we think one person is going to be everything we need (tick all the boxes) - but is this fair or even possible?

Women, for example, can embrace eachother, to shop with or have deep, spiritual conversations and we let go of expecting our men to give us that. And men, rather than holding onto the thought of a woman mothering or taking care of him can become more self sufficient and understanding. We learn to channel energy into creative outlets and so drop that urgent, addictive desire for a “release”.

And so we bring back the balance between the sexes and begin to support each other and honour each other. Love becomes a state of being rather then something we get and we begin to thrive.

Whoo hooo…Let’s go!

Towards your truth and freedom,

Cheryne Blom

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2012 and The Amazing Opportunites Ahead

2011 has been one intense year- that is for sure. We started with floods, earthquakes, nuclear leakage which have forced us to reassess life and forced us to transform into a new way of being…a shift in mindset and attitude and a transformation from old to new. What is happening to so many around us, because of this shift, is an awakening to  a new, yet deeply familiar feeling, energy or essence. This is an awakening of the Feminine Energy, an energy which has been suppressed within us for so long. Let’s explore….

Before I go on I really want to stress that what I am talking about here is not gender based- I am not talking about male or female, I am talking about the 2 energy patterns which exist in all of us (men and women)- masculine and feminine- yin and yang. (see previous post…)

To date, the feminine essence has been down played because we thought it was weak, vulnerable and unable to lead us or protect us. However this essence has been misunderstood, misguided, abused and made to believe that the masculine essence was the driving force. And because of this our feminine essence has been suppressed, manipulated, abused and made to believe it is weak and insignificant. The masculine, as the driving force, has also, as a result of a suppressed feminine, become over dominant and has thrown out our natural balance.

As we watch the current paradigms around us implode (seen clearly in the economic climate- the playground for the intense masculine), it becomes apparent that anything which stems from this “intense” masculine will self destruct.

What this means is that anything which stems from control, domination, greed, force, or the intention to survive will implode. Why…Because all of that behavior stems from FEAR. We are being tested here… ARE YOU GOING TO CHOOSE FEAR OR ARE YOU GOING TO CHOOSE FAITH? Carolyn Myss, Author of The Anatomy of the Spirit says, “…any choice made from fear is a violation of the energy of faith.” So we now have an opportunity to choose faith and that comes from a connection with our feminine essence.

Remember, the masculine is about will, power, action, determination, competition, purpose, focus, ambition, logic…with the main goal of Self Protection or Survival. The extreme effect of the masculine energy has created war, struggle and the feeling of never being enough and therefore the need to constantly push and prove ourselves. The dominant part of our body in our masculine is the mind. If these behaviors are balanced with the feminine, then that is fine, but if the feminine is suppressed, then these behaviors become excessive and forceful, rather than flow.

The Feminine is about gentleness, respect, trust, caring, nurturing, being grounded, wisdom, stillness, compassionate, playful & creative…with the main goal being service to others. The dominant part of the body in our feminine is the heart. This behavior has the goal of contribution. It still needs the masculine to drive the action, yet the intention and intensity is completing different.

I am seeing this awakening with every client I work with. The amazing women I am working with are waking up to the need to be more, give more, get more creative and step into leadership, in a graceful, playful yet grounded way. They no longer accept nor tolerate control or manipulation and want 2 things – their truth and their freedom. Women in this space are allowing their natural tendencies to flow while building the muscles of their masculine, and allowing themselves to come more into flow with their intuition and inner guidance.

The beautiful men I am working with are beginning to see the effects of their strong, over-charged “masculine energy” and are allowing themselves to enter the beautiful space within their hearts. These men are so gracefully powerful because once they awaken to their feminine they balance out their masculine and have a strong integration of head and heart. This means they step into the space of service and contribution and have the focus, determination and the strength of the masculine to support them. They are starting to feel more, have more empathy and can give and receive openly. They no longer feel vulnerable in their “heart space” and now see this integration as a powerful space of balance.

For both men and women, coming into this space of a strong feminine and a balanced masculine leads to a feeling of being "IN CONTROL." When we feel in control (which is different to the need to control) then we feel safe and in the space of safety there is no fear.

So as you can see it is not about giving up the masculine; it’s now about allowing the feminine to lead and the masculine to support and be the strong foundation. We can see this awakening unfold in the following 12 steps:

1.      We switch off our “survival mode” and connect to a deeper purpos, trust and wisdom within us- we aim to make a difference and step into contribution

2.      We follow our intuition/ gut feeling and know how to connect with it

3.      We know how to constantly purify our intention and ensure we are making our decisions from faith and not fear

4.      We then become more still which enables us to be present and in the Now.

5.      When we are present we can listen more

6.      Because we can listen more, we hear people on a deeper level and we can then understand them more

7.      With understanding we can accept them more and switch off our inner judgment

8.      Because we have no judgment we stop taking things personally because we are more accepting of ourselves and others

9.      When we accept ourselves, we embrace who we are and strive to be the best version of ourselves- we work with our full potential- we become empowered

10. When we work with our full potential we connect with our highest creative energy (feminine)

11. With this creative energy we become creators, inventors and innovators- we begin to expand on what we know and create new products, new thoughts, new models and new ways of being. We go out of our comfort zone and see the world through a greater, expanded awareness.

12. And with this innovation and creative flare we become leaders in a soft, gentle, graceful, yet powerful way.

This form of leadership has no other intention except being who you are and sharing that with others; there is nothing to prove and it is not about power or winning or any self gain- it is simply about BEING. Imagine a world where we are all living in this level of leadership, where our “titles” and “status” disappear and our focus shifts to how much we can give and how much we can be- how much we can serve.

This does not mean giving up our masculine qualities of action, drive, focus, or purpose…it means we take all these amazing qualities and drive them through the feminine (not the other way round). We have a value shift where our passion to serve others leads to an abundant lifestyle, where our focus is not on surviving but THRIVING.

From here now, instead of the “feminine” being perceived as weak, it is now absolute strength- the more vulnerable you can be now only means the more authentic you can be, and the more authentic you can be the more you are in your truth. From being in your truth, you will feel stronger and more confident and have a new burst of enthusiasm with which you then become an inspiration and light for others (again a new model and psychology of leadership).

2012 offers us the perfect start to be this now and with Friday being the 11.11.11 we can see this as a gateway into the new…a fresh new start into new energy and a new way of being. We can step into our feminine essence and feminine energy and allow the heart to lead.  Use the powerful energy of 11.11.11 to walk through this doorway; leave the old behind and start the new relationship with your divine feminine essence. You can do this on Friday (11.11.11) as a powerful meditation or visualization exercise.

Whooo hooo, bring it on, baby!

Towards your truth and freedom,

Cheryne Blom

For more about Cheryne please also see: http://www.cheryneblom.com/ 

Please "LIKE" this post by clicking on the top of this page.

PS: I would love to hear your comments and stories. Please leave your comments here or email me  Please also share your comments on Facebook.

COMING SOON- MASTERING THE ART OF SELF LOVE ONLINE PROGRAM! STARTING MARCH 2012The ultimate 12 step process- please email me your interest here