The Greatest Lesson I Have Learnt Along My Journey Towards Self Love

Seven years ago I woke up exhausted. I was overweight, depressed, unhealthy and spent most of my days in tears and longed to stay in bed and hide. I was completely burnt out! I had lost myself in a marriage and lost myself in giving everything  I had to others. I was depleted physically, emotionally and spiritually. My life lacked a clear purpose and I felt trapped and in a rut.

I made a very bold decision and decided to leave my marriage and re-design my life. I had no real idea what was ahead of me, I simply knew I had to make this change for my own survival- I felt illness creeping in and knew in my heart that I had to take back control of my life! With Hindsight now I see that I was being completely guided. So today, after an amazingly empowering 5 year journey, I share with you the greatest lesson I have learnt along my journey towards SELF LOVE.

What I realize now is that back in those days of darkness, I lacked three core abilities within myself:

1.       The ability to give to myself which was also an inability to receive from others

2.       The ability to communicate , articulate or even know what I needed &

3.       A lack of commitment to myself where I would put everyone else’s needs ahead of mine- I put more focus on the relationship and what my relationship, kids, house, business (etc etc) needed then on what I needed

What was driving me back then was an attachment I had to feeling worthy and complete based on what I did for others. My sense of self work and esteem was boosted when I was needed by others and I felt that I was fulfilling my duties and obligations. My Identity was made up of being a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter- yet as much as I felt great for being a presence to everyone in my life, there was something lacking within. What was building within me was: Resentment, confusion, frustration, overwhelm, Anger, a feeling of emptiness and soul depletion. By not honouring my own needs I lost myself.

I see this all the time in so many of my clients (both men and women). In fact the 4 words I hear from almost every client are:

“I AM SO TIRED.” How can we expect our lives and our relationships to THRIVE when personally we are depleted- if we are empty within then we have nothing really to give out.

For relationships to thrive we need to be in our essence and our essence is such a delicate, intricate aspect of us which requires a gentle, loving, respectful and dedicated approach. Yet most of us spend more time feeding our EGO then honouring what our essence really needs. What I mean by that is that most of us feed the need of feeling worthy and loved and accepted rather than living in our total TRUTH.

WHY OH WHY DO WE DO THIS???

1.       We create busy lives to ensure we feel successful, have all the materialistic “stuff” we desire, and to fulfill a form of ambition with in us. Therefore we exist in this space of DOING and doing and doing and doing until we feel burnt out. We ignore the signals and symptoms are bodies give us and place little awareness on what we are feeling or WHO WE ARE BEING along the way.

2.       We place others’ needs over our own and feel a sense of gratification from self sacrifice. Of course we want to give to others and be of service however we MUST question our intention as to whether we are giving out of need or expectation or giving from a higher sense of purpose. We must also be aware that the self sacrifice is not imbalanced and blown out of proportion.

3.       MEN have been conditioned to believe that their sense of self worth comes from how much they earn, what they do and how well they can provide and protect their families. Again this is an innate desire for a man to be the “HUNTER” yet it cannot be the basis of self worth and again cannot be out of balance and blown out of proportion.

4.       WOMEN have been conditioned to believe that our self worth is based on how much we nurture, mother, create, or care for our families and children. If our houses our clean, kids well fed and hubby organized then we are complete and fulfilled. There is even that hysterical ad here on Australian TV which manipulates us further by saying, “What does your loo say about you.” J Again a natural innate for “THE INNER GODDESS” but cannot make up our sense of self.

5.       If these believes are distorted they will create an unnecessary pressure and force within us which in time will lead to exhaustion as it overrides our innate truth and places pressure on our nervous systems(and in turn our adrenal systems)

6.       We have also been conditioned to believe that doing for ourselves is SELFISH or Self Absorbed. Even the concept of SELF LOVE is difficult for some as it means we have to put ourselves first and care for ourselves.

Perhaps we have to completely reframe what we call SELFFISH because if we are not filling ourselves up first then how can we care for others. (The classic example of the airplane oxygen mask). If subconsciously we are doing everything to feel complete within, well then isn’t that serving the “EGO” desires to feel good enough? SO, isn’t that completely self centred? So let’s change our meaning of selfish and replace it with a more empowering believe that will ultimately build us and ultimately give so much more to others. So let me introduce you to my best lesson, the key that has completely changed my life… SELFISH BECOMES SELF CARE!!!

WHAT IS SELF CARE?

SELF CARE is the ability to take 100% responsibility for empowering ourselves and ensuring we are feeling whole and complete within ourselves without needing external factors to fulfill us. SELF CARE IS THE ABILITY TO GIVE TO YOURSELF WHAT EVER YOU NEED TO FUNCTION EFFECTIVELY- WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY! It means prioritizing yourself and ensuring you are full, you are rested and you are empowered so that you can be so much more to everyone in your life. Most importantly it gives you the energy and vitality to live the POWER OF YOUR TRUE PURPOSE! Self care goes hand in hand with Self love and is the pathway to personal freedom.

WHEN WE EMBRACE SELF CARE WE TAKE CHARGE OF OUR LIVES AND PUT THE FOLLOWING KEYS INTO ACTION:

We focus on what makes us happy

We take responsibility for our emotions

We understand we are fine, delicate machines which require proper service and care (See previous post on finding your inner Ferrari)

We take charge of our communication which means we communicate clearly, openly, honestly and authentically

We have the courage to design our lives the way we want them

It also involves a level of non-interference which means we LET GO of “needing to do everything for others.”

We LET GO of the need to control; We LET GO of Perfectionism; We LET GO of expectations

Here are some great tips to move from

Self Sacrifice to SELF CARE…

Find a place to get yourself quiet and still and ask yourself the following questions:

What makes me happy?
What helps me get grounded?          
What areas of my life am I doing out of obligation where I can delegate more effectively and empower others to do more themselves?

Write yourself a list

Communicate your needs effectively and maturely. Do not come from blame or resentment simply communicate that in order to give as mush as you would want to give you need to have more time for yourself and give more to you. Communicate your plan courageously and with self respect- you will get this back in return.

Diarize your times and commit to them

Make good decisions based on valuing yourself and respecting yourself. These include:

            Who you spend time with
            What you do with your “FREE” time
            What choices you make to feed yourself

Spend time in nature-there is something magical which happens to our energy and vibration when we are in nature. Especially when we can smell nature- it triggers deep memory centres in our brain and instantly relaxes us.

Keep it simple-It could simply be a walk around the block which re-energizes you.

Know the signs within-do not wait for breaking point start to take action when you feel tired. Anxiety, depression, overwhelm, and tiredness are the bodies way of telling you, you are on Empty and Depleted- Time to refuel.

ELIMINATE GUILT!!!! (this could be a blog post on its own) Release guilt be focusing on how much you want to give once you are full.

Now let’s keep it real, I know more than anyone how hectic and crazy life gets- I am a single Mum, two kids, a business, clients, a partner, a book in the making, and lots more. By no means am I saying give up your day to day “doings” which you feel are essentially your responsibility; what I am saying is to LET GO of the reins a bit, shift your intention to yourself, listen to your body and incorporate whatever SELF CARE you can to simply and effortlessly bring your life to balance.

Would love to hear about your SELF CARE PLANS, email here.

Towards truth and freedom,

Cheryne Blom

For more about Cheryne please also see: http://www.cheryneblom.com/ 

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