Why is Your Brain so Stubborn?

I want to change but I don't know how

I know what I need to do but keep defaulting back to my usual ways

It feels so fake and out of character to do anything differently

These are comments I hear continuously from clients who feel stuck and unable to move themselves forwards. Often they explain how stubborn their minds are and do not allow them to change.

The reality is that your brain is stubborn because it has a myriad of very clever strategies designed to keep you doing what you do to ensure self-preservation. This means that you are wired and conditioned through repetitive thoughts and actions to be who you are. The brain is only doing what it is programmed to do with its main motivation to keep you safe and keep you in your comfort zone because, well…that is the ego mind’s role... To keep you safe and avoid pain.

Some of these 'safety strategies' serve you and really do keep you safe but others are designed to help you avoid any perceived pain and are actually limiting you. And although they may help you feel safe, these strategies are keeping you small and preventing you from reaching your full potential.

These sort of strategies limit your potential they do not enhance your potential. And these strategies are known as avoidance strategies because they help you avoid the perception of pain and seek pleasure by staying safe.  

I like to think of these avoidance strategies as the “glitches” in our system. Think of a computer program. A computer program is made up of a delicate series of lines of code to tell the program what to do. If there is a glitch in any single line of code the whole system collapses. And if you were to upgrade that computer program to perform better or do new tricks, you would need to change the coding to ensure its ‘wired’ to do what you need it to do.

The brain works the exact same way! (See past post, How to think like Google)

So these are the main 3 Avoidance Strategies I observe which aim to keep you safe and small and limiting your true growth and self-actualization:

Overwhelm

Overwhelm is a strategy, I have studied deeply over the last decade because it is my default ASS (Avoidance Stupid Strategy) In fact, I’d say I had a BIG ASS (sorry, I could not help myself with that one) J

Overwhelm has been a great strategy to keep me small and out of my power, because I had the habit of piling things onto my plate to make me feel like I was busy and achieving. I could not say no to anyone, because I did not want to let anyone down so I would keep on doing and doing and doing in order to feel proud of myself.

But then suddenly there would be a straw which would break the camel’s back and everything would come crashing down as my mind went into overload and overwhelm!

Suddenly everything would feel too much and everything would fall into a heap and I would feel like an emotional mess. This would happen in perfect timing for me to throw in the towel, say it’s all too much, withdraw into self-pity and give up!

This was such a clever strategy until I realized how subconsciously it was working and how it was purposefully designed to make me appear that I was taking responsibility and achieving yet would allow me to give it all up. So in essence what this strategy allowed me to do was avoid taking full responsibility for myself and my life like an adult.

Once I had this awareness, I could dis-empower the strategy and rewrite the necessary code to ultimately help me take responsibility and success. This meant noticing when I was crossing personal boundaries and learning to say NO instead of people pleasing and self sacrificing. This in turn allowed me to emotionally and energetically manage myself which magically dissolved the habit of overwhelm.

Procrastination

Procrastination works the same way. Although there are times when we need to pace ourselves and let things develop organically, there are times when we intentionally procrastinate to avoid the pain of doing what we need to do.

By procrastinating we get to avoid the potentiality of failure, the possibility of judgement, taking responsibility or following through.

I remember, years ago a great teacher of mine described procrastination as the fear of being controlled or avoiding being told what to do. This happens when freedom is high on your value list. This need for freedom causes you to avoid doing what others ask you to do and therefore procrastinate.

I think my kids have mastered this strategy!

Fear        

Now of course we need a certain amount of fear, yet there is caution and there is FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real). And fear as an illusion is the mother of all avoidance strategies. As we focus on the perception of fear it paralyses all action and ensures we stop trying and curl into the shell of our comfort zone.

Think about how the fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of judgement, fear of abandonment, or fear of speaking up for yourself is keeping you small and safe.

Once you begin to notice how any of these strategies are causing you to avoid the perceived pain, shift your thinking to realizing that the more you play safe, the longer you stay small and the more you miss out on being and having in your full potential.

Take small, bite sized steps consistently every day to challenge yourself out of your comfort zone. Rewrite your inner self talk so that you can change your conditioned coding and upgrade yourself to a program which is going to bring you authentic happiness and joy in your life. And as you recondition your thinking in this positive direction, you will notice the stress and stubbornness transform into fluidity and flexibility.

Enjoy! 

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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How to think like GOOGLE

We all know how Google works… type in exactly what you are looking for and voila…. Google will present you with the relevant information. The precision of your search is very much dependent upon how clear, specific and exact you can be with what you are wanting; anything else will deliver a vague, sometimes frustrating result…leaving you searching for more.

Do you know that your subconscious mind works in the same way as GOOGLE? Every thought you have is programming your conscious mind and therefore your behaviors and actions.  It looks like this…

So, as you can see the body responds to every thought you have just like that GOOGLE algorithm. And the subconscious mind cannot process a negative, so whatever word you put into your mind search the body will react accordingly.  If I ask you to think about a pink elephant…what are you thinking of? Try not to think of the pink elephant…now what…same deal, right?

The more clear and positive you can be with your language the more your body will deliver better responses to challenging situations. Think how you may be programming yourself with thoughts like…

I don’t want to fail
I don’t want to get hurt
I can’t handle rejection
I cannot face judgment
I am worried
Finances are stressful
I hate being overweight
I am so unfit

Through all these negative thoughts we create negative feelings and emotions and therefore will create a negative result because what we focus on we get!

Think of those thoughts with a positive spin on them…

I can only succeed here
I can protect myself in any situation
Other people’s opinions are none of my business
I can be myself in any situation
I can handle anything
I can handle my finances
I am ready to be healthy and reach my weight goal

Notice how you feel when you use more positive language. Stronger?  More Resilient? Calmer? Happier?

So here are my 7 tips to program your thoughts more positively and develop more optimism and positive results in your life:

Ask yourself GREATER QUESTIONS

Questions are a powerful tool for activating thought patterns. So notice what questions you are asking yourself and if they are negative and leading to feelings of disempowerment, then ASK YOURSELF GREATER QUESTIONS.

Some great self coaching questions include:

Who do I need to be right now?

What do I need to do to get me there

What is a thought which empowers me right now?

What do I need to feel good right now?

How can I do this?

What support do I need?

Visualize what you want

Visualization programs the subconscious mind as well as the Reticular Activation System which is the centre of arousal in the brain. This centre also helps us filter in images and messages from our outside world which are relevant to what we are visualizing.

Make it a daily practice to spend some time visualizing what you want and how you want it, with as much detail as possible and exactly how you want it to be.

Write out what you don’t want and then think about what you do want and write that out

Make yourself a list:

What I no longer want I no longer want sadness

What I want I am happy and positive every day

Think of the positive opposite you want. Remember that if you are focusing on what you no longer want then all you are doing is creating more of what you don’t want. So turn it around and program into your GOOGLE mind search exactly what you want.

Stomp the ANTS

Ants = Automatic Negative Thoughts. Very often we will default to negative thinking because through conditioning and repetition our brain has become wired that way. If we are wired that way then all it means is that we have dominant neurological pathways supporting negative thoughts and as we now know these pathways can be changed by repetitively challenging your thoughts and changing them. With each time you change a thought and think and act differently, you change your neurological pathways.

Use positive language

From your positive list above reframe your words into the positive. Even if you still default to the negative habitual thoughts, auto correct any thoughts and keep on turning them into a positive.

Refine your thoughts

Begin to become mindful and notice the feelings in your body each thought creates. Take responsibility for those thoughts and feelings and refine your thoughts until you can feel positivity within. Keep on cleansing and working on building clean, powerful and inspiring thoughts- this is who you will become.

Stay consistent

This all takes time so keep going, keep growing, keep transforming and stay consistent. Every time you do something different to your normal habitual behavior your brain changes, so keep going and the keys here are repetition, frequency and intensity!

So become a GOOGLE MASTER and create your life exactly how you want it to be!

To your truth and freedom with lots and lots of love,

Cheryne

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15 Ways to RESPECT Yourself Today!

We are pro’s at beating ourselves up, placing high or unrealistic expectations on ourselves or pushing ourselves beyond what we can cope with. And although it is great to challenge ourselves, continuous behaviors which leave us feeling disrespected wear down our self-worth, our self-confidence and leave us dis-empowered

Alternatively, every time you show yourself self-respect you increase your self-worth, you feel proud of yourself and therefore increase your confidence and your self-empowerment.

Once you program your ‘inner critic’ to be nurturing, loving and respectful you will be able to be kinder towards yourself and increase your internal Self Love Tank. This in turn will give you a sense of self integrity which builds your enthusiasm and empowerment and helps you feel aligned.

So here are 15 ways you can show yourself respect today:

1.    Speak your truth with graceful assertion

Keeping quiet for the sake of keeping the peace or reacting with an emotional explosion both drain your energy and leave you feeling shameful, embarrassed or dis-empowered. 

Learning to calmly and confidently communicate yourself in a way which is aligned with your values, is a way of demonstrating self-respect and self-worth. (Please also see 3 Steps to confident communication)

2.    Break on addiction

Instead of reaching for the cookies, or the bottle of wine or the (you fill the blank) turn to a resourceful action which demonstrates respecting yourself. 

For example, before you head straight for your "self-soother" stop and pause, take a few deep breaths, ask yourself what you are feeling and feel that feeling in your body. Breathe through that feeling while you focus on your breath gently soothing and clearing your emotion. Feel the stillness and the calmness and then come back to your present moment and see if you need your "habit" then.

3.    Make yourself a beautiful meal

           Cook up something healthy, colorful and yummy, put it on a nice plate,                      presented and go sit in the sunshine or your favorite spot. Eat mindfully and                with gratitude and appreciation

4.    Forgive self

Yep, a big one. Let go of beating yourself up and realize that you are doing the best you can with the resources you have.  Focus on the lessons you can teach yourself and allow yourself to grow from those. Let go and let yourself free.

5.    Give to someone in need or less fortunate

Every time we give we open ourselves up to receive. And as we receive gratitude back, it fills our inner tank and gives us respect, worth and empowerment.

6.    Allow yourself to receive something special

Receiving is often the hardest part, yet it is what we give ourselves when we respect ourselves and feel worthy of it. Opening yourself up to receive allows you to complete the cycle of reciprocity and allow someone to benefit from the art of giving as well.

7.    Be around positive people and energy which makes you feel good

Are you starting to read that we are breaking all people pleasing behaviors? This will include saying no to arrangements with negative energy which will leave you feeling drained and out of control. Alternatively, being around positive people fuels your soul and gives you energy.

Obviously, sometimes we cannot avoid certain situations, so if you find yourself in a negative situation with draining energy, direct your thoughts and energy towards giving yourself positivity and love. This instantly creates a shield like force around you which allows their negativity to bounce off you.

8.    Move your body

Exercise, exercise and exercise! Moving your body releases feel good hormones and helps you feel great about yourself.

9.    Give yourself an inner hug

Oh, I love this one. This is the ultimate expression of self-compassion and self-respect. Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze as if you were giving your best friend your biggest hug ever! I also love to imagine my scared inner child and visualize giving her a great big hug and telling her that she is safe and loved.

10.  Avoid situations which lead to shame

          This includes talking badly or gossiping about others which actually drain your             energy and leave you dis-empowered.

11.  Clean up an area in your personal space(declutter)

The space around you represents how you feel within. If you have lots of mess and clutter around you, it blocks and drains your energy and represents the clutter in your mind. Having a clean, open decluttered space allows you to feel open and free!

12.  Follow through on inspired thoughts

Every time you have an inspired thought, which is a thought which totally energizes you, listen and follow your intuition and inner guidance which will not only give you self-respect, it will also allow you to manifest magnificence for yourself.

13.   Stay focused on your goals

Complete those tasks you have been promising yourself you will complete and keep a list of everything you have completed so that you can see how much you have actually achieved.

14.  Observe an area of your life out of integrity and commit to someway being more true to yourself

Where in your life are you out of integrity and not being true to yourself? Where in your life are you loosing or giving away your power? As you focus giving the power back to yourself and having more integrity you will fuel up your self-respect!

15.  Do something great or special for yourself

Treat yourself to something special because you deserve it and because it will make you feel great. Buy yourself something special, get yourself pampered your take yourself away somewhere refreshing!

How else will you respect yourself today?

Enjoy!

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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Monthly Meditation Class held the first and third Wednesday of every month. Upcoming date 4 November  8pm-9:30pm.  Held at The Tranquility Centre 357 North Road South Caulfield To Book email Cheryne Topic: The Ideal Self

NEW Learn how to develop more mindfulness in every moment  Download FREE 7 day video series called Be a Mindful You!. Book Cheryne to speak at your next event. 

Let Go of Your Conditions of Worth

One of our greatest needs is the need to belong and be accepted by others. This need to belong and be accepted makes us feel safe in our world. Through a complex matrix of childhood experiences, we learn that if we behave a certain way then we will be accepted by others and fit in. 

This need to be liked and accepted by others overrides the 
need to be ourselves, and over time we develop a set of conditions which prove our worth and make us feel accepted and worthy. 

Instead of focusing on developing our unique talents and standing out with our individuality, these conditions lead us to lose the essence of who we are and become the concept of what people need us to be or the concept of ourselves which people will accept most.

The greatest joy I receive as a coach is when I see this realization in my clients. The moment they realize that they are not being true to themselves or are not aligned with their true selves because they are pleasing everyone around them, is the moment they begin a true journey towards self-empowerment.

It is in this moment that they can begin to let go of who they need to be and move towards their authentic self, who they want to be and who they know they are at the core. Part of this process in clarifying their self-image or self-concept, is to gain awareness around what their conditions of worth are.

Conditions of worth are the terms and the conditions of your self-worth. All the beliefs and the reasons why people accept you and define why you are good enough. The conditions of worth are based on cause and effect and the language is basically, ‘If I …., then …. , or ‘when I am…, then...’

For example:

If I make people happy, then I will be liked

If I am happy, then other people are happy.

If I do a lot for others, then they will appreciate me.

If I am pretty, then people will like me.

When I am positive, then people like to be with me.

If I succeed, then people will respect me.

If I am a good person, then people will like me.

What are your conditions of worth? 

Ask yourself these questions:

How do I know I am accepted by others? 

What makes me feel good enough? 

What makes me feel liked by others?

Once you have answered these questions and realize your set of conditions which you have placed on your worth, you can now ask yourself the following empowering question to release them…

If there was nothing to prove and if I let go of the need to belong and focus on what my unique strengths are, then what awareness do I gain about myself? What is my worth truly made up of?

Now you will begin to realize that your worth is not based on any conditions or

is not based on anything you need to do. You will realize that your self-worth is made up of you being you!

Your true self is self-confident, loving, giving, nurturing, kind, caring, fun, funny, playful, creative, honest, open, authentic, positive, intelligent, capable, strong, intuitive, innovative and most importantly a unique being with your own unique gifts and talents to bring to the world.

So the next time you hear your inner language say to you, If I [fill the blank], then they will like me, stop the thought and remind yourself that the only person placing conditions on you is You and you can let go of needing to be anything to anyone and embrace your true values and essence.


And the real irony is that when you give yourself permission to be your true self, you shine and people (especially the real ones) love you for exactly who you are and do not need you to be anything else.

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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Monthly Meditation Class held the first and third Wednesday of every month. Upcoming date 21 October 2015; 8pm-9:30pm.  Held at The Tranquility Centre 357 North Road South Caulfield To Book email Cheryne Topic: The Ideal Self

NEW Learn how to develop more mindfulness in every moment  Download FREE 7 day video series called Be a Mindful You!. Book Cheryne to speak at your next event. 

The 6 Most CRUCIAL Words you can ask yourself right now!

There are 6 words that I like to ask all my clients to help them attend to themselves and their needs, and almost every single person struggles to answer this simple yet obviously complex question.

For many of us it is hard to put ourselves first. We are so conditioned and so wrapped up in doing stuff for others and being what others need us to be, that we neglect our own needs. For many people, putting themselves first seems selfish or self-indulgent; so the thought of doing something for themselves actually creates more pain then pleasure.

The complex factor in all of this is that doing for others is what many of us base our self-worth on.
I am worthy if I am making someone happy
I am worthy if I put others first
I am worthy if people accept and like me
I am worthy if I put others before me

These beliefs create the pattern of people pleasing whereby the fear of disappointing people outweighs the need to take care of your-self. The problem in all of this is that in time our inner wellness tank gets depleted leaving us without much to offer people and instead of doing things for others with joy we begin to build resentment.

So these 6 words will help you stop the pattern of self-sacrifice and will help you embrace a Self-Care program which enables you to refuel your inner tank, and allow you to give back to those you love wholeheartedly.

So the 6 words are…

WHAT DO YOU NEED, RIGHT NOW?

Is this an easy question for you to answer? If so, then well done! And if not, please reflect on what I have mentioned above and stop for a moment and think about these words...

WHAT DO YOU NEED, RIGHT NOW? What do you need to feel calm, happy, and peaceful, at ease and energized? Go with the first answers which come to mind and list the most important things you need right now. You may be needing me-time, pamper-time, exercise, support, sleep, time in nature, social time or spiritual time. To embrace these, shift your mindset away from being selfish to a mindset of self-care where you realize that by filling up your inner tank, you will then have so much more to offer back to all those special people in your life.

And if you are struggling to think how you can Self-Care, then here is a list of

Self-Care ideas for the guilty:

1.       Have a massage – besides the health benefits of massage, there is tremendous healing in being touched.

2.       Retreat into nature- a beach walk, a forest walk; anywhere beautiful and quiet will do

3.       Have a bath- water is very soothing and relaxing as well as re-energizing and cleansing.

4.       Exercise can instantly shift a low mood as it produces endorphin's which energize and uplift the body

5.      Meditation- giving yourself even 5-10 minutes of focused breathing or visualization will instantly calm you and make you feel better

6.       Meet a friend- be around positive people who understand you and make you feel happy and energized

7.      Dance- put on some dance music and dance as if no one is watching. And if you feel even more energized take yourself off to a salsa or other dance class.

8.      Sing- again put on some music and sing as if no one is listening. Singing has a powerful effect on your throat Chakra and helps you clear out blocked expression or lack of creativity.

9.       Get Creative- pull out those art supplies, get out your journal or make something creative. My personal favorite is to take the time to make yourself a vision board.

10.   Yoga- yoga and meditation will both help you develop a state of mindfulness and relaxation in the body and will help calm and balance your senses. Stretching also helps you move emotion through your body and helps energize and uplift the body.

So any time you begin to feel depleted and know that you are in need for Self-Care, stop and ask yourself these 6 crucial words…

WHAT DO I NEED, RIGHT NOW?

Oh and most importantly… follow through :-)

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

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Monthly Meditation Class held the first and third Wednesday of every month. Upcoming date 7 October 2015; 8pm-9:30pm.  Held at The Tranquility Centre 357 North Road South Caulfield To Book email Cheryne Topic: The healthy voice within

NEW Learn how to develop more mindfulness in every moment  Download FREE 7 day video series called Be a Mindful You!. Book Cheryne to speak at your next event. 

3 Easy Exercises to Break Negative Thoughts

If it is anything I want my clients to walk away with is the knowing that they can control their thoughts and have the clarity to recognize that it is not their external triggers which necessarily stress them out, but more likely the meaning they attach to those triggers which causes stress. My most empowering belief which I base my business on is the knowing that the quality of my happiness is determined by the quality of my thoughts.

Our internal story or dialogue will determine our meaning and that meaning will determine the quality of our reality. If we are experiencing negative emotions then there is a major likelihood that those negative emotions are stemming from dysfunctional thoughts which in turn lead to a negative focus.

True empowerment and resilience comes when we realize that happiness is not made up of what we have outside of us but what state of mind we have within us. 

And so the ability to refine and uplift your thoughts will create an internal state of happiness which will enrich the meanings you are giving to every situation around you. When you are able to take control of these meanings, then you can take control of your happiness.

So here are my 3 favorite exercises to shift my negative thinking and create a positive state of happiness within:

1.  Fact or Fiction

Make a list of all your thoughts. Go through each thought and ask yourself

whether your thought is 100% objective fact or is it your subjective thought, fiction. To be 100% objective, that thought needs 100% evidence to stand in a court of law J; so what evidence do you have to support that belief?

A factual thought is fixed and cannot be changed, but a subjective, fictional thought means there are multiple perspectives and you are in a position to choose which thought process feels best and works for you. Every time you challenge your thoughts and ask yourself if that thought is true, fact or fiction, you will enable yourself to think of new perspectives and activate healthier and more empowering thought processes.

So it works like this:

Today is Tuesday (Fact)
It is 7am (Fact)
I am writing a blog post (Fact)
I am unsure if this post will be read by many people (Fiction, my own internal story beginning)
I hope this blog will be understood or used by others (Fiction, blah, blah, blah
This topic could be really helpful (Fiction, I think so)
I’ve had many clients use these tools and shift their thoughts (Fact)

Go ahead list some of the thoughts you are thinking right now and try this out. Or list some thoughts you have regarding a stressful situation and see how many are fact (objective) or fiction (subjective)

2.       How does that thought make you feel?

Say a sentence to yourself and notice how it makes you feel. When you stop to ask yourself this question you will gain clarity around how your thoughts are programming your feelings. Are they empowering you and uplifting you, or are they bringing you down and causing stress?

Where do you feel them in your body and what is the feeling?
(Scan through your body and notice where it feels tight or blocked. This may be in your throat, stomach, gut, shoulders, neck, back, hips or legs)

If I use the thought above, ‘I am unsure if this post will be read by many people,’ and I ask myself how this thought makes me feel, I instantly get a knot in my stomach and in my chest which feels tight and makes me feel breathless. By connecting to these feelings I can now realize that this thought has led me to feel fear and so now I can attend to the feeling and shift it.

3.       Why are you feeling that feeling?

This exercise lets you connect with the triggers which activate stress and allows you to move through the negative feelings and turn them around.

This is divided into parts: Internal and External

Although, like I said earlier, it is our meaning placed on our external triggers which creates stress, it is still important to note what those stressors are so that you can attend to them. So list your external triggers.

To understand why you are feeling the feelings, you need to go within and understand what Core Beliefs are being triggered as it is these internal core beliefs which are determining your perspective of an event. If negative core beliefs exist, then they will trigger negative emotions, which in turn will create negative thoughts

Example 1: Negative

Core Belief:	I am ugly, unlovable, not worthy, not good at anything
Emotion:	Anxiety, nervousness, depression, fear, shame, guilt, frustration, sadness, self-pity
Thoughts:	I can’t do anything right, no one will love me, I will never succeed, and life is hopeless
Reality	Fear, procrastination, hesitation, no action

Example 2: Positive

Core Belief:	I am love, I am light, I share my positivity with everyone around me
Emotion:	Empowerment, peace, strength, energy, enthusiasm, passion, joy, happiness
Thoughts:	Everything I do has a positive effect on others and I am mindful of sharing my positive energy with others.
Reality	A completely new reality filled with purpose, clarity and passion.

Write out your own example…

And as you gain awareness around your negative core beliefs and you change those beliefs into more positive and uplifting beliefs, then everything else changes and you begin to create an exciting new reality.

Enjoy and please let me know how you go with these!

To your truth and freedom with lots of love,

Cheryne 

Please like this post on Facebook by clicking on the like button above and help spread the love by sharing this post with your friends.

Monthly Meditation Class held the first and third Wednesday of every month. Upcoming date 7 October 2015; 8pm-9:30pm.  Held at The Tranquility Centre 357 North Road South Caulfield To Book email Cheryne Topic: The healthy voice within

NEW Learn how to develop more mindfulness in every moment  Download FREE 7 day video series called Be a Mindful You!. Book Cheryne to speak at your next event.